A New Beginning

It is amazing how much can change in a few months. In the blink of an eye really. When you decide to stop settling and start living, the possibilities and capacity for change become endless.

Searching for words to describe the events from April 30 to now, I find it challenging, yet it brings a smile to my face. I truly thought my life was over, that happiness was out of reach, that there was nothing left for me but to slog through life and then eventually… die. And when I thought I had reached my lowest point, things got worse.

But then I met someone who changed everything. As my heart was breaking I met this human who made my heart sing, who made me smile, who came into my life and upended everything, who supported me and listened to me and actively cared about me in such a radically honest and wholehearted way that I started wanting to live again and started daring to believe there was a life worth living ahead of me.

Looking back, things happened very quickly, but in the thick of it, it felt like slow motion. I didn’t allow myself to hope at first, I wouldn’t even admit to myself I was falling in love. I certainly didn’t believe someone was falling in love with me. We met and talked for a couple of hours the first time. It was completely unintentional, I was so frustrated with my situation at home that I started going to a nearby bar and playing Blackjack to get free drinks for a couple hours. This night though, I went to a different bar, one I hadn’t been to before. I never talked to the other patrons past some rudimentary small talk. But this night, there was a guy sitting to my left, who was outgoing, talking to everyone, and I allowed him to strike up a conversation with me. We talked on and off while playing our respective machines and I gave him a hard time about his unlit cigar. Looking back I suppose we were flirting, but it was nothing more than chatting. It was just two lonely people talking in a bar who would likely never see each other again. Then he asked for my number. It still makes me laugh, because I said no, but that he could follow me on Instagram. Which of course he didn’t have because he is older. But the part that makes me laugh is that I was so flustered, I gave him my phone number because I texted him a screenshot of my IG profile so he could start an account and find me later. I quickly told him don’t ever use my number, but he texted me a few minutes after leaving the bar. I quickly blocked him, but I couldn’t stop thinking about him and wondering if he had felt the same instant connection that i had. He did find me on IG, and we started talking. But that wasn’t enough, I have always been an all in type of person and this was no different. I had to know, could this be more than a broken heart searching for attention and friendship? Could a chance meeting at a dive bar turn into…something real? So I had to see him again, and few days after the first time, I did. I don’t think I have ever been more nervous in my life. Here I was a married woman, albeit unhappily, with a spouse who no longer wanted me, purposefully meeting another man. I was sure I was a terrible person, but I just couldn’t stop myself. So shaking, with my heart beating so loudly I was sure everyone within fifty feet of me could hear it, I walked into the same bar again to meet him, but this time on purpose. I thought to myself, let’s get it over with, talking to someone at a bar and then online for a couple days is one thing, surely the feelings are imaginary, merely the result of desperate loneliness and deep depression.

We sat and talked. And he wasn’t on his phone, he looked me in the eyes, he listened when I spoke and it felt like we were the only two people in the bar. I could’ve stayed all night, but I think I allowed myself an hour and a half. When I left, he walked me to my car. But when he didn’t kiss me, I was sure I had made up the chemistry in my mind. I told myself to stop trying to make it into something it wasn’t. This was just two people becoming friends. But then we kept talking, every day, all day. Every morning he would message me good morning and we would have a never ending conversation until it was time to leave work. I couldn’t tell you what we talked about, but I can tell you there’s nothing we didn’t talk about. For two weeks this continued and then on my birthday, which was a Saturday, we met at a nearby park. The first time we held hands, the first time we kissed, I couldn’t even tell you who reached for whom. It was like two magnets being drawn together. And from then on, things intensified. We started meeting every morning and every afternoon. We would both get up early and meet wherever we could, at a gas station, on the side of the road, at a park, for 5 minutes, 30 minutes, absolutely anything to be near each other. And we kept talking, all day every day online.

There were so many obstacles and so much uncertainty. It was dizzying and overwhelming, but the alternative of not talking, not seeing each other, simply wasn’t an option. For me, I had been awakened in a way I had not thought possible. I was feeling something so entirely consuming, I was willing to go to any length to keep feeling what I was feeling. If it led to heartbreak, it couldn’t be worse than giving up this connection. So the feelings grew and we kept talking and seeing each other, even when the person I began referring to as my ex started stalking and threatening us, even when it seemed like all the odds were against us.

We had fallen in love, totally and completely. We couldn’t get enough of each other. But moving into June, we had done no more than make out in a car. Rare for two adults, but looking back it made our beginning so much sweeter and more innocent. I will always cherish the way we fell in love.

You may be wondering, did I cheat on my husband. No, I did not. I fell out of love long ago, or more accurately in comparison to how I feel now, was never in love. Regardless, he began an affair shortly after our last son was born November of last year. So why did he start threatening us and stalking us since he had already moved on. Well, he realized when I stopped caring that he suddenly did. Except it was too late, which was a hard pill for him to swallow.

Even though everything has happened in the last five months, it’s hard to remember the first time we said I love you. But if memory serves me, it was May 10. Three days before we ever kissed and a month before we ever slept together. We started talking about marriage in May. By the end of the summer he had gotten down on one knee and I have had two rings. (More on that later) Five months of knowing him, sounds so short. Yet we have lived a lifetime since April. In July I met his family for the first time. In August we moved in together and I officially filed for Divorce. In September we spent a weekend in California with his family and last week my divorce was finalized. We are navigating life together and it is still so sweet. We still can’t get enough of each other. Yesterday we both called into work and spent the day together. With the kids in school and daycare it was just the two of us and it was absolutely delicious. We are getting married soon and I look forward to coming home from work every day, and getting up every morning. I want to live, as long as he’s by my side. And I have hope for the future for the first time I can remember.

The Circle of Life

Change. It is constant. It can be fun and exciting or scary and dark, but it’s always constant.

The last year has seen a lot of change for me. I left a company I had been with for many years. My father’s health began declining and he has been in the hospital for most of the year now. Sigh. Our oldest daughter disowned us. Kaitlyn, she’s almost 21 now, and since moving away a couple of years ago, has been turned against us after lovingly raising her for her whole life. Sigh. I am about to give birth to my fourth biological child (a second son) following a miscarriage late last year. Sigh. Hannah and Genesee are about to graduate high school, so much has changed since I started this back in 2012 it’s hard to wrap my head around it all TBH.

I have been deeply depressed since the miscarriage last year and losing my job. I have a good job now, in cannabis HR, which has always been a dream of mine. But my personality, my though process, me- I don’t feel the same as before COVID. It really changed everything. I feel like a shadow of my former self. I haven’t seen friends in a year now. I don’t really leave the house or even my room, except to go to work. Of course some of that is due to the pregnancy, it’s much harder at 38 than at 28. But, still I just don’t feel good and haven’t for a long time now. Mentally and physically, I am exhausted and depressed in such a deep way, I don’t know how to recover from it or move past it. I am so overwhelmingly sad, all of the time, it is difficult to function and I have considered suicide many, many times. I hope the birth of my son will bring some joy back to my life, but part of me is terrified that post partum depression msy be even worse than how I feel now which I certainly could not bear.

There’s so much media hype about “getting help” when you’re depressed. But in reality, there is nobody to help and I am so alone.

When it Rains it Pours

So much has happened in the last 4 months it’s difficult to remember the big things, let alone all the small ones.

November- lost most expensive piece of jewelry I’ve ever owned, miscarriage, end stage cancer diagnosis for dad

December- lost job, deep depression, I want to die, I stop eating and drinking for days at a time and don’t leave my room. I share my suicidal thoughts with my husband who tells me to get over it.

January- deep depression, no time to relax or indulge in self-care, back to work. I still want to die. All I do is go to work and sleep. I don’t want to hang out with anyone, or go out.

February- deep depression, no time to relax or indulge in self-care, working full time and trying desperately to find a new groove. I’ve lost all desire to hang out with anyone, or even leave the house. I drink daily.

March- still depressed, still trying to find that new groove, then dad Thyroidectomy surgery at end of month, supposed to be home in 48 hours and back to regular life a few days after that

Week of March 21- dad’s surgery was scheduled for 6 hours, turned into nearly 20, found more cancer than imaging had shown, reconstructed windpipe and paralyzed left vocal chord. I checked him in for surgery at 6am 03/21/22. The surgeon called to let me know they had finished at 2:30am the following day. He remains in intensive care as of 03/25/25. He is on a ventilator and he cannot speak at all yet. His voice will never be the same, and he may not be able to speak at all for months. He may need nursing care the rest of his life. There’s no way to know what “recovery” will look like now.

I did get a raise at my new job and my boss is super cool, so that’s nice.

Trying to get both teenagers to work while losing a driver from the household is taking a toll. Skye is planning to take the bus for the first time today. Hannah refuses, so not sure what to do there.

Eli still not in school, Al still promising to homeschool him. He’s smart, but he’s behind due to COVID and now being out of school for most of 4th grade. I truly believe he’s on the spectrum, but no doctor believes he is and his father refuses to believe there’s any behavioral problems at all. Even after he’s hurt his siblings, hurt me and broken doors, punched holes in walls and routinely cannot control his emotions in a way representative of his age. Al refuses to get him or us together, any therapy, medication, counseling, any help. Sigh.

Kaitlyn not doing well, not taking meds or tending to her mental health. Doesn’t hold a job, cycles through boys and hangs with the wrong crowd in Iowa. Trying to convince her to move out here, back to Vegas. Worried about the crowd she’s hanging with, her vehicle is known in Cedar Rapids and she often receives threats from gang affiliated people.

Skye is not doing great, but not doing as bad as I initially feared when papa’s surgery went sideways. It’s hard for her to visit him. It’s hard for us to see him like that. But, Al won’t visit him, so Genesee and I are all he has until he gets out. I don’t think they allow super young kids to visit, besides nobody wants to see Eli if they’re not well. And I don’t know how Savannah would react to seeing her papa hooked up to all the chords and unable to speak. Skye didn’t go to school this week, but somehow she keeps her grades up. Small victories. Mental healthcare for her is exhausting. The doctor appointments, the therapy, the mood swings and manipulation/blame, new medications, trips to the psych ward. Supporting someone with a mental illness seems as though it can cause the caregiver mental health problems! Sigh.

Hannah and Savannah float through life, we’re pretty sure they’re secretly Kardashians. Neither are fond of work and both are very fond of being in front of a camera. Both are beautiful and school seems effortless. Both are well mannered, well spoken young ladies with killer fashion sense and beautifully kind personalities. Unless you anger them. Then either can become an absolute monster in 2.5 seconds. They have my temper and so does Eli. Not a blessing unfortunately.

I don’t know how to get through everything. I am not even awake most days, I just go through the motions of life. I feel numb and I want to be even more so. Enter substance abuse. I know I’m in a dangerous place, but there’s so many people in my sphere that require me I have no time to help myself. I need therapy. I need mental health support. It just isn’t there for me. That’s for other people. And I get it for them. But it’s not for me. I have no support. I am the support.

2020too (2022)

We all thought 2021 would be so much better than 2020. COVID was still front and center, but the world finally understood that economies and life in general, can only be put on hold for so long. No matter the risk, life must go on. And 2021 was better. Kinda. Travel resumed, albeit with new limitations, procedures and requirements. Different countries all continue to have differences of opinion on visitors and traveling however, due to COVID. We are still considered to be in a pandemic.

2022 has seen some restrictions lifted in many countries and some locking back down as we face surge after surge of new COVID-19 “variants”. Sigh. This is an endemic now, but the word isn’t being thrown around too much yet, because many are in denial from the last 24 months of fear and anxiety. America is more polarized than ever and consistently makes everything into a political storyline portrayed by left media as one thing and as the opposite by right wing media. I can no longer watch/read American news past Yahoo. None are accurate and all are biased. To me it seems more so than in the past, or perhaps that is simply me growing up and understanding the media manipulation better.

To some, it feels like 2020 all over again unfortunately. There are still lockdowns happening around the world to try to combat COVID and the different outbreaks and strains. In the U.S. there are a varying levels of restrictions state to state, but for the most part everyone is required to wear face coverings in public places, supposedly to control the spread, even though many believe they offer little to no actual protection. Wearing or not wearing mask has become a way to show solidarity with or distaste for the government imposed requirements.

For me, nothing much feels like a 2020 repeat, except the COVID crap. I have a new job! After nearly 7 years with my previous company, I had the opportunity to follow a dream to work in the cannabis industry. I am still an HR Director, but it’s a much different vibe than at my previous employer. It was a significant pay but, but if nothing else, the pandemic has shown us that prioritizing time with family and a healthy work/life balance is far more important than earning a hefty corporate salary. In my opinion at least. I found that the more corporate that company became, the less fun I was able to extract from my career. And when you dread going to work every day and have constant anxiety about your job, get a new one. So I did. 3 weeks in, and it’s much more laid back and I think it will be the perfect fit for my next chapter.

Hannah moved back! This last fall, she officially moved back to Nevada and it’s been great having her back. It has been one of my greatest parenting joys to see how close her and Genesee have become, and Eli and Savannah adore their big sissy.

So, what’s next? Well, we’re TTC right now. Crazy I know. We all thought we were done, but then last summer we decided what’s one more? I experienced a heartbreaking loss the week before Thanksgiving at about 8 weeks along. And now we’re crossing our fingers for another positive next week. All the kiddos are super excited, and Eli has ordered a baby brother- no more girls as he says. I told him we don’t get to choose. lol

Quote

I was very fortunate in my gene mix. The gambling instincts I inherited from my father were matched by my mother’s gift for analysis.

– T. Boone Pickens

Star Date 07.01.2021

And I don’t even like Star Trek………….LMAO

I don’t even remember when I last wrote a blog post, it’s been years. Last year is a blur, the world nearly ended basically. COVID happened, a global pandemic that nobody was prepared for or claim they saw coming. The chaos that is America has become even more polarized and divided between the pandemic and political agendas. The whole world shut down in this freakish Orwellian fashion. Similar to Marshall Law in many areas for a significant length of time. I don’t know that there was a single country in the world that was unaffected. After 15 months, life as we knew it is 98% back on track. Things are open again, we can shop, eat out, work in an office instead of from home. I am grateful that Al and I both kept our jobs. So many lost everything last year.

My father moved here from Washington earlier this year. We’re happy to have him close by with his advancing age and are starting a remodel project on our home to better accommodate him. Oh yeah, by the way…..WE BOUGHT A HOUSE! Amid what was the craziest year in the world, we managed to finally purchase a home. The market was crazy and is now out of reach, so it happened in the nick of time as they say.

Of course with Papa, Genesee (Skye) is now back in our home. I’m grateful to have them both here, the older I get the more I value family of all else. We got to see Al’s brother and his fiancé this spring, which was great. They were transitioning from SEA to France so they were here for a couple of months. It was such a pleasure getting to have them around for so long and really getting to know CC. In May, my cousin made the move to Nevada and is currently staying with us- it’s a full house! She and I spent our lives not knowing each other for a laundry list of odd reasons I won’t get into right now. But, long story short, she has made me change my belief to nature of nurture. We say the same things, we do the same things, we have injuries in the same places, we are more like twins than cousins. The sister I always dreamed of basically. I’m still giddy with excitement over how we’ve connected and continue to get closer. She may not live with us for long, but she loves Vegas and seems like she’ll stick around which I’m happy about. She’s met a special someone here already and seems so happy. She’s bloomed since she’s been here and I would say the desert definitely agrees with her. And having her around agrees with me!

Kaity is 19 now- how the time flies! She starts a new job next week. Hannah is nearly 17, she’s had a few jobs now too- how are they adulting already???! Skye is collecting job applications after turning 16 a few weeks ago, and she is ecstatic to start a job and then get her driver license. Eli is heading into 4th grade this fall and Savannah is going into 3rd. My babies aren’t babies anymore. Sniffle. But, I love watching them grow, and I love the unique friendship I’m building with each one as they grow up too. Life happens, I try to work against my own unreasonable anxiety to just enjoy each phase.

Time Marches On

So much has happened, I don’t know where to start. I don’t recognize who I am now from who I was writing the introduction to this blog in the beginning. A subservient, shy introvert, to a charismatic type “A” extrovert who can command any space I’m in. I’ve accidentally climbed a corporate ladder to become head of a global manufacturing company’s human resources as well as board secretary. Kaity, our oldest, is nearly 18, in her final year of high school. Kaity and Hannah both live in Iowa now, with their bio mom, who has since remarried and has a son who is about 2 now. Genesee moved back to Washington to live with my dad after my mom passed away earlier this year. Elijah is going into second grade this fall and Savannah is going into first. Al has been out of work. Again. almost four months this time. We’ve moved, probably multiple times since I last wrote. I’ve asked for a divorce. Many times. I no longer see or believe in the amazing father and partner I described early on in this blog. We are no longer compatible. Sigh. He refuses, he can’t stand to lose me, to lose control, he threatens, I stay.

This is life. life isn’t happy. It has happy moments, happy times, sad times, but overall it isn’t happy. That’s absurd though, some people must be, right?

I wasn’t ready for my mom to die. I never had the closest relationship with her, the traditional “my mom is my best friend” thing, but I wasn’t ready for her to just be……..gone. There was no notice. There was no illness- at least not that we were aware of. Fall, hospital stay, visit, diagnosis Friday, gone the next Wednesday. Stage 4 lung cancer, complicated by pneumonia, we had no idea until the end. It was shocking. It was hard. There were decisions made I never thought I’d have to make- for anyone much less my mother. Grief is funny. It doesn’t make sense, it isn’t logical, it hits randomly when you least expect it, when you think you’re finally moving on. There’s a specific brand of hand lotion that I massaged her with at the end, in the hospital. Dying is an awful thing to watch, when someone stops eating and drinking and they waste away. Pretty quick actually, but it feels like eternity when you’re watching it. Skin gets dry like paper. Such a small gesture, but something I remember so vividly from the end. Her hands, forearms, face, ear lobes, all so dry like thousand year old parchment paper. I tear up every time I see that specific tube of lotion on a shelf at a store. I wonder if I always will. Maybe they’ll stop selling it. Or at least change the packaging.

Fiona, someone I called my sister, someone who was my only close friend for fifteen years, deserted me around the time my mom passed away. I don’t think I can ever move past that. I don’t want to say the word forgive, because I believe harboring anger would hurt me, but I will certainly never forget. I hope I don’t have to decide. Maybe she’ll just never contact me again. There was no argument, nothing. She just “can’t be there for me right now”- like a bad friend text breakup. I thought surely 15 years of friendship would be the one thing I could count on when my mom passed away, but no, she couldn’t be bothered. Al wasn’t supportive. The girls didn’t call. This was the line in the sand for me. It was me and Genesee that experienced this. We were it. Oh sure, I flew Elijah and Savannah and Genesee there with me for the funeral. But Al didn’t attend. He thought it was a waste of money that I even went. I try to forgive him, for the same reason I say I forgave Fiona. I’m not sure I really have though. I don’t know that a spouse deserting you when you need them most, criticizing, making light of your emotions like that, can ever really be forgiven. Kaity and Hannah didn’t attend the memorial or even offer condolences. It was clear, this was my family, my blood, and the girls and Al have never been that. I truly have nobody.

That is a sobering thought. Depressing even. I never thought it would be like this. I wonder, do some people’s lives end up how they plan? Mine certainly hasn’t. And yet I have to be grateful. I have an amazing job that I love. I have my health aside from the minor American problems like weight and type two diabetes. My children are healthy, aside from being bratty and general first world problems like some light social anxiety and teen depression (we used to just call it being an emotional teenager??). I make a decent living, live in a decent house, my kids go to the best public schools in the area, I have a reasonably nice vehicle, and a modest retirement savings account. I shouldn’t expect to be able to be happy too, right?

1 October

There are certain events that you end up thinking about things as “before” or “after” that event. 9/11 is one of those, Columbine, Orlando and now Vegas.

There will always be a before and after October 1, 2017 for me now. 58 Lives lost, the largest mass shooting event in American history.

For months I had planned to leave on my first business trip in 7 years, on that date. So, I had the date in my head for a while, for a very different reason than what I now remember it for. I boarded my plan that evening nervous but excited to be off for a week of intensive learning and networking with fellow HR industry professionals and feeling emotional about leaving my 4 and 5 year old for the longest of ever been away from them.

At 10:10pm I happened to be watching a news channel on live TV for the first time in many years as I waited for the hotel TV to warm up and the remote to catch up so I could change the channel as I checked in to my hotel in Phoenix. Unfortunately it caught my attention and I couldn’t look away for nearly 6 hours.

There was an active shooter on the Vegas strip. Possibly more than one, possibly multiple at multiple properties, a coordinated attack, high powered weapons, elevated tactical shooting, so many down there was no death toll yet and first responders were still struggling to even get to the most active scene, an outdoor concert with over 20,000 attendees.

At first, I thought it was a hoax. It must be, there’s too many cameras and security, the strip is perceived as being pretty safe. Or, it was, before October 1.

As the evening continued, the media continuously played LIVE coverage of the shooting, there were plenty of cameras, with audio. The shots, the screams, the terror of a war zone, shared with anyone willing to watch. I would later learn that the auditory sound of gun shots is a major factor in causing PTSD for those at the event, but thanks to the media, we all experienced that, over and over again. A month later and I still jump when I hear a loud pop.

My People

I enjoy my job, and it’s easy to see, many people comment that they can tell I love what I do. And a big part of that is the people I work with. We are at best a hodgepodge of misfits, many lacking formal secondary education, outside experience or both, some have completely turned their lives around, and there’s many body transformations and stories of personal perseverance and obstacles overcome. The executive team is pretty great in many ways, however those I feel the closest to are the others, the warehouse, quality assurance, manufacturing people, the ones that I identify with, paycheck to paycheck, salt of the earth, Americans. And, I guess it shows, I hope it does, someone should champion these people. I ache to be that person for them, the one I never had in those kinds of positions. In essence, these are my Lynden boys I grew up with, often from farming or otherwise “country” backgrounds, proud gun owners, loyal in ways most people these days can’t understand much less reciprocate, these are my people. I tell myself if I ever was in trouble with a need for backup, I would only need to make a couple of calls and it wouldn’t matter that I’m not their friend, that I’m just their HR lady, there would be no questions asked, they would come to my aid. Luckily I am not in a lifestyle where that need is likely, anymore, so I’ll probably never prove or disprove that belief. But, that’s how these guys are and that’s what drives me below the surface. I work to make a better life for my family, so my kids go to good schools, live in safe neighborhoods, have healthy food, al that is a given. I’m lucky in that I do enjoy the more traditionally HR-ish functions of my position too, strategic planning, directing initiatives and collaborating with others to meet business objectives. But the connection I have with these people has created a fierce commitment that I feel to them and that is what I think shines through that others see and that’s what keeps me going when I’m feeling demotivated. Human Resources can encompass many things, especially in this new era where we are becoming a more respected and integral part of strategic business growth. Often it means we are the hostess, the babysitter, the parent, the sibling, the champion, the advisor, friend, counselor, mediator, facilitator, the common thread is that you must care. You can be the most technically knowledgeable professional, but if you don’t truly care, you won’t be successful. Oh sure, you could get promoted, you might be “successful” by some people’s definition. But, as I am learning is something I often do, I have what many consider to be an unrealistic goal in my position, my definition of success is all of the things you would think, being in a leadership role, getting salary increases, sure, but there’s another layer I challenge myself to obtain. I want to be liked by pretty much everyone. Now, I am not obsessed with this, there are certainly people who don’t like me and I prepare for that and accept it when it happens. It’s more of a question, i don’t feel like it should be a given that people will hate you if you’re in HR. I every situation I ask if it’s necessary for the business, is it logical, how can we do XYZ or present it that is in the best interest of the employees so that they too understand that it’s necessary for the business, that the policy is needed, that a safety precaution is necessary, that a raise can’t be given- whatever it is. When you answer those questions and honestly do everything with humanity, humility, honesty, respect and heart, I’ve found people are pretty understanding and those that aren’t usually move on if that environment isn’t working for them. So far, so good.

#Goals

In the United States, we’re  taught from a young age, we can be anything we want to be. There’s a lot of success stories that lead me to believe this is true. If you’re willing to put in the work. And, I don’t mean excessive working hours. I used to think that, I used to think since I have a family and I’m not a workaholic, any significant success was not a realistic possibility for me. Depending on your function and industry, this is a very real challenge, but I’ve found a way to balance it out and many other professional women do too.

What I’m referring to is heart. Vulnerability. Ego. Emotional investment. Trust. Focus. Learning commitment. I’m a firm believer that more than anything else, laying it all on the line and sinking heart and soul into every facet of your personal brand is what influences success most strongly. Too achieve long-term, sustainable success, I firmly believe you have to be willing to leave your ego at the door, bare your soul, truly care, practice compassion, be considerate and be authentically, unabashedly, unapologetically, YOU. Giving 100% of yourself in every interaction, every situation. That’s terrifying, and I’m ok admitting that. I think if they’re honest, the majority of people would say the same. I for one, don’t want to reach the end of my life, wondering what I could’ve achieved, what wealth of experiences I might have missed out on because I was too intimidated to give life my best shot. I may not crush every goal, but I want to feel like I had a good run, a full life, that I enjoyed my life, not just survived it.

Finally, at the ripe old age of 33, I’ve decided what I want to do when I grow up. Sure, I’d love to be the lead singer of a rock band, but for a realistic day job, I finally feel like I have a specific direction and goal. It feels pretty damn good. If maybe a little intimidating.

Chief Culture Officer

Ok, really intimidating, all typed out in harsh, black Arial font. But, there you have it.

Maybe you haven’t heard of that title, it’s certainly not very common- yet. You can learn more about the general scope of the position here: https://www.shrm.org/hr-today/news/hr-magazine/pages/070815-chief-culture-officers.aspx .

From my perspective, this marries my love of marketing, Human Resources and law and my interest in behavioral psychology as best as I can hope for in a single role. Since that’s a pretty wide range of job attributes, I never dreamed I would find something that combined all of them. I figured I’d have to commit to becoming an attorney or becoming strictly Human Resources, becoming a psychologist, or specializing in marketing- hence why I never committed to a career and actually focused on a specific career goal, I knew no single one would fulfill what I wanted to do. And I couldn’t articulate what I wanted to do or how I wanted so do it. So I let the tide of life carry me along. I am lucky to be where I am considering my lackadaisical approach to a career. Let’s be honest here, I never in a million years thought I’d have a career, and didn’t want one. I knew I would work, but only because it would be necessary and then only the bare minimum to get by. That was safe, comfortable, a goal so basic, I couldn’t possibly fail in my estimation.

A successful business woman I greatly admire, posted a story about a female executive named Bozoma St. James on FB. Ms. St. James’ role at Uber is where I first began to see this type of role even articulated. She doesn’t hold that exact title, but the scope of her position as Chief Brand Officer piqued my interest because it touched every aspect of the business and combined a lot of what interests me. That article impacted me so profoundly that I started researching similar roles and that research led me to the Chief Culture Officer title. As I began researching, I ran across other, similar cutting edge executives including Claude Silver, the Chief Heart Officer of  Vaynor Media. Yes, that’s a real title, and a fantastic example of generational influence impacts business culture. You wouldn’t have seen that title or even the articulation and respect for the function and value add for a business 20+ years ago, maybe not even 5-10. This is the future of Human Resources. This is the stuff that I’m passionate about, the articulation of an approach I thought was singular to me, that I couldn’t articulate and didn’t think I could dare to try, that I was sure nobody else would ever appreciate, respect and value.

Always consider you could be wrong. Always research, learn, better yourself- never stop. Things are constantly changing, when opportunity knocks, know what you want and be ready.

Director of Corporate Culture will have to come first of course, but, long term goals are good to have. And, there may be other titles and experiences that come first as well, but as a long-term career goal, that’s it.

Now, bring on the critics. It’s lofty, no doubt about that. But, the loftier my sights have become, the more I have been able to achieve. As I’m finding out about many of my inherent philosophies and internal processing techniques, this is something that is commonly known and taught. Regardless of reaching the goal, you’ll always be more successful the higher you set the bar for yourself. 🙄 Duh.

Something uniquely in my favor is that I’m getting to do this already. With a lot of additional responsibility since I’m responsible for such a wide range of things, but I’m getting to approach everything from this perspective which is invaluable experience that will make the title transition, when it comes, much less daunting.

Setting specific goals is new for me. I’ve always been the one to avoid committing to any specific goal. If I didn’t set a specific goal, I couldn’t fail, I could reframe changes to package it as something other than failure. The possibility of failure is intimidating, I don’t know many who would argue that. But, for any great person you can think of, tech genius, successful entrepreneur, artist, military, boxing legend, music producer, martial arts practitioner, doctor, lawyer- any successful person- they’ve all had failures. You won’t find one who hasn’t ever failed. And, if you talk to people about their failures, you find the successful ones have analyzed those experiences and identified what the mistakes that caused the failure, and what that teaches them to allow better performance in the next, similar situation. I think the way my brain is wired, I’ll always try to internally rationalize taking risk. So, when I started down the road of this perspective/approach change, I figured what the hell, of it doesn’t work, I won’t be any worse off than I am now. A lot of successful people approach their life and careers this way, so why not try it?

So far, so good.