The Circle of Life

Change. It is constant. It can be fun and exciting or scary and dark, but it’s always constant.

The last year has seen a lot of change for me. I left a company I had been with for many years. My father’s health began declining and he has been in the hospital for most of the year now. Sigh. Our oldest daughter disowned us. Kaitlyn, she’s almost 21 now, and since moving away a couple of years ago, has been turned against us after lovingly raising her for her whole life. Sigh. I am about to give birth to my fourth biological child (a second son) following a miscarriage late last year. Sigh. Hannah and Genesee are about to graduate high school, so much has changed since I started this back in 2012 it’s hard to wrap my head around it all TBH.

I have been deeply depressed since the miscarriage last year and losing my job. I have a good job now, in cannabis HR, which has always been a dream of mine. But my personality, my though process, me- I don’t feel the same as before COVID. It really changed everything. I feel like a shadow of my former self. I haven’t seen friends in a year now. I don’t really leave the house or even my room, except to go to work. Of course some of that is due to the pregnancy, it’s much harder at 38 than at 28. But, still I just don’t feel good and haven’t for a long time now. Mentally and physically, I am exhausted and depressed in such a deep way, I don’t know how to recover from it or move past it. I am so overwhelmingly sad, all of the time, it is difficult to function and I have considered suicide many, many times. I hope the birth of my son will bring some joy back to my life, but part of me is terrified that post partum depression msy be even worse than how I feel now which I certainly could not bear.

There’s so much media hype about “getting help” when you’re depressed. But in reality, there is nobody to help and I am so alone.

When it Rains it Pours

So much has happened in the last 4 months it’s difficult to remember the big things, let alone all the small ones.

November- lost most expensive piece of jewelry I’ve ever owned, miscarriage, end stage cancer diagnosis for dad

December- lost job, deep depression, I want to die, I stop eating and drinking for days at a time and don’t leave my room. I share my suicidal thoughts with my husband who tells me to get over it.

January- deep depression, no time to relax or indulge in self-care, back to work. I still want to die. All I do is go to work and sleep. I don’t want to hang out with anyone, or go out.

February- deep depression, no time to relax or indulge in self-care, working full time and trying desperately to find a new groove. I’ve lost all desire to hang out with anyone, or even leave the house. I drink daily.

March- still depressed, still trying to find that new groove, then dad Thyroidectomy surgery at end of month, supposed to be home in 48 hours and back to regular life a few days after that

Week of March 21- dad’s surgery was scheduled for 6 hours, turned into nearly 20, found more cancer than imaging had shown, reconstructed windpipe and paralyzed left vocal chord. I checked him in for surgery at 6am 03/21/22. The surgeon called to let me know they had finished at 2:30am the following day. He remains in intensive care as of 03/25/25. He is on a ventilator and he cannot speak at all yet. His voice will never be the same, and he may not be able to speak at all for months. He may need nursing care the rest of his life. There’s no way to know what “recovery” will look like now.

I did get a raise at my new job and my boss is super cool, so that’s nice.

Trying to get both teenagers to work while losing a driver from the household is taking a toll. Skye is planning to take the bus for the first time today. Hannah refuses, so not sure what to do there.

Eli still not in school, Al still promising to homeschool him. He’s smart, but he’s behind due to COVID and now being out of school for most of 4th grade. I truly believe he’s on the spectrum, but no doctor believes he is and his father refuses to believe there’s any behavioral problems at all. Even after he’s hurt his siblings, hurt me and broken doors, punched holes in walls and routinely cannot control his emotions in a way representative of his age. Al refuses to get him or us together, any therapy, medication, counseling, any help. Sigh.

Kaitlyn not doing well, not taking meds or tending to her mental health. Doesn’t hold a job, cycles through boys and hangs with the wrong crowd in Iowa. Trying to convince her to move out here, back to Vegas. Worried about the crowd she’s hanging with, her vehicle is known in Cedar Rapids and she often receives threats from gang affiliated people.

Skye is not doing great, but not doing as bad as I initially feared when papa’s surgery went sideways. It’s hard for her to visit him. It’s hard for us to see him like that. But, Al won’t visit him, so Genesee and I are all he has until he gets out. I don’t think they allow super young kids to visit, besides nobody wants to see Eli if they’re not well. And I don’t know how Savannah would react to seeing her papa hooked up to all the chords and unable to speak. Skye didn’t go to school this week, but somehow she keeps her grades up. Small victories. Mental healthcare for her is exhausting. The doctor appointments, the therapy, the mood swings and manipulation/blame, new medications, trips to the psych ward. Supporting someone with a mental illness seems as though it can cause the caregiver mental health problems! Sigh.

Hannah and Savannah float through life, we’re pretty sure they’re secretly Kardashians. Neither are fond of work and both are very fond of being in front of a camera. Both are beautiful and school seems effortless. Both are well mannered, well spoken young ladies with killer fashion sense and beautifully kind personalities. Unless you anger them. Then either can become an absolute monster in 2.5 seconds. They have my temper and so does Eli. Not a blessing unfortunately.

I don’t know how to get through everything. I am not even awake most days, I just go through the motions of life. I feel numb and I want to be even more so. Enter substance abuse. I know I’m in a dangerous place, but there’s so many people in my sphere that require me I have no time to help myself. I need therapy. I need mental health support. It just isn’t there for me. That’s for other people. And I get it for them. But it’s not for me. I have no support. I am the support.

2020too (2022)

We all thought 2021 would be so much better than 2020. COVID was still front and center, but the world finally understood that economies and life in general, can only be put on hold for so long. No matter the risk, life must go on. And 2021 was better. Kinda. Travel resumed, albeit with new limitations, procedures and requirements. Different countries all continue to have differences of opinion on visitors and traveling however, due to COVID. We are still considered to be in a pandemic.

2022 has seen some restrictions lifted in many countries and some locking back down as we face surge after surge of new COVID-19 “variants”. Sigh. This is an endemic now, but the word isn’t being thrown around too much yet, because many are in denial from the last 24 months of fear and anxiety. America is more polarized than ever and consistently makes everything into a political storyline portrayed by left media as one thing and as the opposite by right wing media. I can no longer watch/read American news past Yahoo. None are accurate and all are biased. To me it seems more so than in the past, or perhaps that is simply me growing up and understanding the media manipulation better.

To some, it feels like 2020 all over again unfortunately. There are still lockdowns happening around the world to try to combat COVID and the different outbreaks and strains. In the U.S. there are a varying levels of restrictions state to state, but for the most part everyone is required to wear face coverings in public places, supposedly to control the spread, even though many believe they offer little to no actual protection. Wearing or not wearing mask has become a way to show solidarity with or distaste for the government imposed requirements.

For me, nothing much feels like a 2020 repeat, except the COVID crap. I have a new job! After nearly 7 years with my previous company, I had the opportunity to follow a dream to work in the cannabis industry. I am still an HR Director, but it’s a much different vibe than at my previous employer. It was a significant pay but, but if nothing else, the pandemic has shown us that prioritizing time with family and a healthy work/life balance is far more important than earning a hefty corporate salary. In my opinion at least. I found that the more corporate that company became, the less fun I was able to extract from my career. And when you dread going to work every day and have constant anxiety about your job, get a new one. So I did. 3 weeks in, and it’s much more laid back and I think it will be the perfect fit for my next chapter.

Hannah moved back! This last fall, she officially moved back to Nevada and it’s been great having her back. It has been one of my greatest parenting joys to see how close her and Genesee have become, and Eli and Savannah adore their big sissy.

So, what’s next? Well, we’re TTC right now. Crazy I know. We all thought we were done, but then last summer we decided what’s one more? I experienced a heartbreaking loss the week before Thanksgiving at about 8 weeks along. And now we’re crossing our fingers for another positive next week. All the kiddos are super excited, and Eli has ordered a baby brother- no more girls as he says. I told him we don’t get to choose. lol

Quote

I was very fortunate in my gene mix. The gambling instincts I inherited from my father were matched by my mother’s gift for analysis.

– T. Boone Pickens

Time Marches On

So much has happened, I don’t know where to start. I don’t recognize who I am now from who I was writing the introduction to this blog in the beginning. A subservient, shy introvert, to a charismatic type “A” extrovert who can command any space I’m in. I’ve accidentally climbed a corporate ladder to become head of a global manufacturing company’s human resources as well as board secretary. Kaity, our oldest, is nearly 18, in her final year of high school. Kaity and Hannah both live in Iowa now, with their bio mom, who has since remarried and has a son who is about 2 now. Genesee moved back to Washington to live with my dad after my mom passed away earlier this year. Elijah is going into second grade this fall and Savannah is going into first. Al has been out of work. Again. almost four months this time. We’ve moved, probably multiple times since I last wrote. I’ve asked for a divorce. Many times. I no longer see or believe in the amazing father and partner I described early on in this blog. We are no longer compatible. Sigh. He refuses, he can’t stand to lose me, to lose control, he threatens, I stay.

This is life. life isn’t happy. It has happy moments, happy times, sad times, but overall it isn’t happy. That’s absurd though, some people must be, right?

I wasn’t ready for my mom to die. I never had the closest relationship with her, the traditional “my mom is my best friend” thing, but I wasn’t ready for her to just be……..gone. There was no notice. There was no illness- at least not that we were aware of. Fall, hospital stay, visit, diagnosis Friday, gone the next Wednesday. Stage 4 lung cancer, complicated by pneumonia, we had no idea until the end. It was shocking. It was hard. There were decisions made I never thought I’d have to make- for anyone much less my mother. Grief is funny. It doesn’t make sense, it isn’t logical, it hits randomly when you least expect it, when you think you’re finally moving on. There’s a specific brand of hand lotion that I massaged her with at the end, in the hospital. Dying is an awful thing to watch, when someone stops eating and drinking and they waste away. Pretty quick actually, but it feels like eternity when you’re watching it. Skin gets dry like paper. Such a small gesture, but something I remember so vividly from the end. Her hands, forearms, face, ear lobes, all so dry like thousand year old parchment paper. I tear up every time I see that specific tube of lotion on a shelf at a store. I wonder if I always will. Maybe they’ll stop selling it. Or at least change the packaging.

Fiona, someone I called my sister, someone who was my only close friend for fifteen years, deserted me around the time my mom passed away. I don’t think I can ever move past that. I don’t want to say the word forgive, because I believe harboring anger would hurt me, but I will certainly never forget. I hope I don’t have to decide. Maybe she’ll just never contact me again. There was no argument, nothing. She just “can’t be there for me right now”- like a bad friend text breakup. I thought surely 15 years of friendship would be the one thing I could count on when my mom passed away, but no, she couldn’t be bothered. Al wasn’t supportive. The girls didn’t call. This was the line in the sand for me. It was me and Genesee that experienced this. We were it. Oh sure, I flew Elijah and Savannah and Genesee there with me for the funeral. But Al didn’t attend. He thought it was a waste of money that I even went. I try to forgive him, for the same reason I say I forgave Fiona. I’m not sure I really have though. I don’t know that a spouse deserting you when you need them most, criticizing, making light of your emotions like that, can ever really be forgiven. Kaity and Hannah didn’t attend the memorial or even offer condolences. It was clear, this was my family, my blood, and the girls and Al have never been that. I truly have nobody.

That is a sobering thought. Depressing even. I never thought it would be like this. I wonder, do some people’s lives end up how they plan? Mine certainly hasn’t. And yet I have to be grateful. I have an amazing job that I love. I have my health aside from the minor American problems like weight and type two diabetes. My children are healthy, aside from being bratty and general first world problems like some light social anxiety and teen depression (we used to just call it being an emotional teenager??). I make a decent living, live in a decent house, my kids go to the best public schools in the area, I have a reasonably nice vehicle, and a modest retirement savings account. I shouldn’t expect to be able to be happy too, right?

1 October

There are certain events that you end up thinking about things as “before” or “after” that event. 9/11 is one of those, Columbine, Orlando and now Vegas.

There will always be a before and after October 1, 2017 for me now. 58 Lives lost, the largest mass shooting event in American history.

For months I had planned to leave on my first business trip in 7 years, on that date. So, I had the date in my head for a while, for a very different reason than what I now remember it for. I boarded my plan that evening nervous but excited to be off for a week of intensive learning and networking with fellow HR industry professionals and feeling emotional about leaving my 4 and 5 year old for the longest of ever been away from them.

At 10:10pm I happened to be watching a news channel on live TV for the first time in many years as I waited for the hotel TV to warm up and the remote to catch up so I could change the channel as I checked in to my hotel in Phoenix. Unfortunately it caught my attention and I couldn’t look away for nearly 6 hours.

There was an active shooter on the Vegas strip. Possibly more than one, possibly multiple at multiple properties, a coordinated attack, high powered weapons, elevated tactical shooting, so many down there was no death toll yet and first responders were still struggling to even get to the most active scene, an outdoor concert with over 20,000 attendees.

At first, I thought it was a hoax. It must be, there’s too many cameras and security, the strip is perceived as being pretty safe. Or, it was, before October 1.

As the evening continued, the media continuously played LIVE coverage of the shooting, there were plenty of cameras, with audio. The shots, the screams, the terror of a war zone, shared with anyone willing to watch. I would later learn that the auditory sound of gun shots is a major factor in causing PTSD for those at the event, but thanks to the media, we all experienced that, over and over again. A month later and I still jump when I hear a loud pop.

My People

I enjoy my job, and it’s easy to see, many people comment that they can tell I love what I do. And a big part of that is the people I work with. We are at best a hodgepodge of misfits, many lacking formal secondary education, outside experience or both, some have completely turned their lives around, and there’s many body transformations and stories of personal perseverance and obstacles overcome. The executive team is pretty great in many ways, however those I feel the closest to are the others, the warehouse, quality assurance, manufacturing people, the ones that I identify with, paycheck to paycheck, salt of the earth, Americans. And, I guess it shows, I hope it does, someone should champion these people. I ache to be that person for them, the one I never had in those kinds of positions. In essence, these are my Lynden boys I grew up with, often from farming or otherwise “country” backgrounds, proud gun owners, loyal in ways most people these days can’t understand much less reciprocate, these are my people. I tell myself if I ever was in trouble with a need for backup, I would only need to make a couple of calls and it wouldn’t matter that I’m not their friend, that I’m just their HR lady, there would be no questions asked, they would come to my aid. Luckily I am not in a lifestyle where that need is likely, anymore, so I’ll probably never prove or disprove that belief. But, that’s how these guys are and that’s what drives me below the surface. I work to make a better life for my family, so my kids go to good schools, live in safe neighborhoods, have healthy food, al that is a given. I’m lucky in that I do enjoy the more traditionally HR-ish functions of my position too, strategic planning, directing initiatives and collaborating with others to meet business objectives. But the connection I have with these people has created a fierce commitment that I feel to them and that is what I think shines through that others see and that’s what keeps me going when I’m feeling demotivated. Human Resources can encompass many things, especially in this new era where we are becoming a more respected and integral part of strategic business growth. Often it means we are the hostess, the babysitter, the parent, the sibling, the champion, the advisor, friend, counselor, mediator, facilitator, the common thread is that you must care. You can be the most technically knowledgeable professional, but if you don’t truly care, you won’t be successful. Oh sure, you could get promoted, you might be “successful” by some people’s definition. But, as I am learning is something I often do, I have what many consider to be an unrealistic goal in my position, my definition of success is all of the things you would think, being in a leadership role, getting salary increases, sure, but there’s another layer I challenge myself to obtain. I want to be liked by pretty much everyone. Now, I am not obsessed with this, there are certainly people who don’t like me and I prepare for that and accept it when it happens. It’s more of a question, i don’t feel like it should be a given that people will hate you if you’re in HR. I every situation I ask if it’s necessary for the business, is it logical, how can we do XYZ or present it that is in the best interest of the employees so that they too understand that it’s necessary for the business, that the policy is needed, that a safety precaution is necessary, that a raise can’t be given- whatever it is. When you answer those questions and honestly do everything with humanity, humility, honesty, respect and heart, I’ve found people are pretty understanding and those that aren’t usually move on if that environment isn’t working for them. So far, so good.

#Goals

In the United States, we’re  taught from a young age, we can be anything we want to be. There’s a lot of success stories that lead me to believe this is true. If you’re willing to put in the work. And, I don’t mean excessive working hours. I used to think that, I used to think since I have a family and I’m not a workaholic, any significant success was not a realistic possibility for me. Depending on your function and industry, this is a very real challenge, but I’ve found a way to balance it out and many other professional women do too.

What I’m referring to is heart. Vulnerability. Ego. Emotional investment. Trust. Focus. Learning commitment. I’m a firm believer that more than anything else, laying it all on the line and sinking heart and soul into every facet of your personal brand is what influences success most strongly. Too achieve long-term, sustainable success, I firmly believe you have to be willing to leave your ego at the door, bare your soul, truly care, practice compassion, be considerate and be authentically, unabashedly, unapologetically, YOU. Giving 100% of yourself in every interaction, every situation. That’s terrifying, and I’m ok admitting that. I think if they’re honest, the majority of people would say the same. I for one, don’t want to reach the end of my life, wondering what I could’ve achieved, what wealth of experiences I might have missed out on because I was too intimidated to give life my best shot. I may not crush every goal, but I want to feel like I had a good run, a full life, that I enjoyed my life, not just survived it.

Finally, at the ripe old age of 33, I’ve decided what I want to do when I grow up. Sure, I’d love to be the lead singer of a rock band, but for a realistic day job, I finally feel like I have a specific direction and goal. It feels pretty damn good. If maybe a little intimidating.

Chief Culture Officer

Ok, really intimidating, all typed out in harsh, black Arial font. But, there you have it.

Maybe you haven’t heard of that title, it’s certainly not very common- yet. You can learn more about the general scope of the position here: https://www.shrm.org/hr-today/news/hr-magazine/pages/070815-chief-culture-officers.aspx .

From my perspective, this marries my love of marketing, Human Resources and law and my interest in behavioral psychology as best as I can hope for in a single role. Since that’s a pretty wide range of job attributes, I never dreamed I would find something that combined all of them. I figured I’d have to commit to becoming an attorney or becoming strictly Human Resources, becoming a psychologist, or specializing in marketing- hence why I never committed to a career and actually focused on a specific career goal, I knew no single one would fulfill what I wanted to do. And I couldn’t articulate what I wanted to do or how I wanted so do it. So I let the tide of life carry me along. I am lucky to be where I am considering my lackadaisical approach to a career. Let’s be honest here, I never in a million years thought I’d have a career, and didn’t want one. I knew I would work, but only because it would be necessary and then only the bare minimum to get by. That was safe, comfortable, a goal so basic, I couldn’t possibly fail in my estimation.

A successful business woman I greatly admire, posted a story about a female executive named Bozoma St. James on FB. Ms. St. James’ role at Uber is where I first began to see this type of role even articulated. She doesn’t hold that exact title, but the scope of her position as Chief Brand Officer piqued my interest because it touched every aspect of the business and combined a lot of what interests me. That article impacted me so profoundly that I started researching similar roles and that research led me to the Chief Culture Officer title. As I began researching, I ran across other, similar cutting edge executives including Claude Silver, the Chief Heart Officer of  Vaynor Media. Yes, that’s a real title, and a fantastic example of generational influence impacts business culture. You wouldn’t have seen that title or even the articulation and respect for the function and value add for a business 20+ years ago, maybe not even 5-10. This is the future of Human Resources. This is the stuff that I’m passionate about, the articulation of an approach I thought was singular to me, that I couldn’t articulate and didn’t think I could dare to try, that I was sure nobody else would ever appreciate, respect and value.

Always consider you could be wrong. Always research, learn, better yourself- never stop. Things are constantly changing, when opportunity knocks, know what you want and be ready.

Director of Corporate Culture will have to come first of course, but, long term goals are good to have. And, there may be other titles and experiences that come first as well, but as a long-term career goal, that’s it.

Now, bring on the critics. It’s lofty, no doubt about that. But, the loftier my sights have become, the more I have been able to achieve. As I’m finding out about many of my inherent philosophies and internal processing techniques, this is something that is commonly known and taught. Regardless of reaching the goal, you’ll always be more successful the higher you set the bar for yourself. 🙄 Duh.

Something uniquely in my favor is that I’m getting to do this already. With a lot of additional responsibility since I’m responsible for such a wide range of things, but I’m getting to approach everything from this perspective which is invaluable experience that will make the title transition, when it comes, much less daunting.

Setting specific goals is new for me. I’ve always been the one to avoid committing to any specific goal. If I didn’t set a specific goal, I couldn’t fail, I could reframe changes to package it as something other than failure. The possibility of failure is intimidating, I don’t know many who would argue that. But, for any great person you can think of, tech genius, successful entrepreneur, artist, military, boxing legend, music producer, martial arts practitioner, doctor, lawyer- any successful person- they’ve all had failures. You won’t find one who hasn’t ever failed. And, if you talk to people about their failures, you find the successful ones have analyzed those experiences and identified what the mistakes that caused the failure, and what that teaches them to allow better performance in the next, similar situation. I think the way my brain is wired, I’ll always try to internally rationalize taking risk. So, when I started down the road of this perspective/approach change, I figured what the hell, of it doesn’t work, I won’t be any worse off than I am now. A lot of successful people approach their life and careers this way, so why not try it?

So far, so good.

 

Hi, My Name Is

It’s 6:38am and I’ve been at the neighborhood gym for about an hour already, and I’ll likely be here another two.

Who is this person???! Have I really been consistently choosing to wake up at 5am on my days off  so that I can work out for 6 months now? Sure, I pushed it as late as 7am once or twice, but only once have I not made it at all. That’s pretty fucking consistent, especially for me, the girl who hates to sweat just as much as she loves to sleep. It’s funny how you can not notice a change until it’s significant. How long do you wait until you confidently say “This is me now”. This isn’t me, or is it? Has this become who I am? For someone with mediocre goals at best, lose 40#, lower blood sugar and be healthier, the changes are impressive.

I’m down 80#, blood sugar is well controlled and fitness level is flirting with becoming above average. The complete mindset reset is the most impressive and the most valuable though.

I must admit, if I analyze this change, it has taken closer to three years than just six months. But, that’s not sustained effort. I fell off the healthy eating wagon and the working out wagon multiple times since I started my journey in January of 2015. I was always motivated to start again, not by the weight loss, not even always to lower blood sugar, it was the general get healthy reasoning that kept me going, kept me coming back. I worked at a digital heath startup a few years ago, my first job in Vegas, and I was exposed to a lot of health and fitness analytics and metrics that I hadn’t been aware of as well. It was also the first time I had been exposed (in close proximity) to a breed of very motivated people (many of my co workers ran marathons and/or participated in other extreme fitness activities), it was also the first time working for individuals I found very motivating. These were competitors, these were often Ivy League brainiacs, people raised their whole life to expect and demand success, bred for the business world, and prepared to do anything to attain their goals. Now, I do mean anything, these were some of the most cutthroat, two faced, egotistical people I had ever dealt with, they would throw me under the bus when I hadn’t even thought of the possibility and most of the time it was their own fault. Toddler tantrums and spiteful, discriminatory attacks by wealthy, highly educated men twice my age was something I was only able to successfully navigate for nine months. However it did hearten me to know that was three months longer than the last woman in my position who had been twice my age, and had all the right degrees, a “real” business woman (to me at that time). But, along with being, in general, complete assholes, they had these traits and soft skills that enchanted me. These people worked 80+ hours a week in many cases yet still found time to do all kinds of physical activities and spend meaningful time with their families and they looked and sounded good doing it.  I watched them like a hawk, and I took note of a few key traits that I decided I would emulate and see if maybe They would make me…… Happier? More successful? Both I guess? Again, pretty basic, mediocre goals.

First, they were all confident. It didn’t matter if they were spewing insanity or complete lies, they said that shit with feeling and they defended it as though their six figure salary depended on it. I also saw many meet a swift and unexpected end, there were many firings.

Second, they never considered that something couldn’t be done. No matter how ridiculously aggressive and absurd a goal was, they never dared to push back and always agreed enthusiastically to complete the task. Unfortunately they often failed, hence the many firings.

Third, They didn’t neglect their personal fitness. They might have worked 18 hours that day, but you can bet they were getting in their hour at the gym instead of sleeping an extra hour. And almost every weekend they were participating in some physical competition or other sporty activity. And, if you dared to order anything with fries, or depending on the group, even meat sometimes, you would surely be the only one at the table not choosing a salad or grilled vegetables- they consistently made healthy choices even when overwhelmed with work and in many cases jet lagged too. These people who accomplished more in a day than I did in a month, they didn’t settle, in any area of their life.

As I started to analyze their traits and try to pinpoint what made these people more successful (in my mind) than me- or really anyone I had ever known, I could easily see the pitfalls and challenges of the traits I identified.

Confidence is a double edged sword; too much is definitely not good and will come back to it you. Confidence must be paired with humility for maximum positive impact.

Considering the viability of an idea is an essential component to effective critical thinking; never being able to admit that something may not work or that an idea may not be the best just because it was yours, there was real value in collaboration and teamwork.

Not compromising in their personal lives, was maybe the most interesting to me. I was raised thinking it was normal and to be expected that you hate your job. It’s only something done out of necessity to feed your family and if you ever won the lottery naturally you would immediately quit. These people not only actually liked the work they did, they found time to do it ALL- work crazy hours, still be fit and healthy, spend time with their kids, and they were pulling pretty decent incomes. I was the lowest paid employee in the building. By a lot. Not to mention the most overweight. Did you know there is actually data that says a person who is not overweight is likely to be more successful than if they are overweight?

Now, it didn’t hit me like an epiphany or anything dramatic. I wasn’t even consciously identifying the traits until after the fact.

But looking back, I’m sure it influenced me, because I started to believe it was possible. Just maybe, I could someday be successful, fit, motivated, dynamic, charismatic, competent, happy.

In reality, only difference in nearly all these people could be distilled to one thing, theirs was an all encompassing mindset of positivity instead of defeat. It was programming pure and simple. I had been programmed for defeat and these people had been programmed for success.

Then the question became is it possible to reprogram yourself? I started reading success stories, Amy and every article about weight loss success, curing diabetes with diet, individuals who had overcome any type of obstacle successfully suddenly intrigued me, what were they doing differently than me? They had all reprogrammed themselves. They had taught themselves a new outlook on life, a new way of processing information and handling challenges entirely. These were people who had been programmed for failure and they had overcome, in many cases, much more daunting upbringings and personal tragedy than I had. If they could do it, so could I.

Its a journey. I don’t think it’s ever something to be completed. You can always improve. A telltale sign of an egotistical person doomed for certain failure is to think you’re the best, that there is no room to improve. Are there people who have that outlook and are successful? Sure, our president is one of them. But, so want to be happy, content, I don’t want success just to be successful. I want to enjoy my life. And for me, so far, my strategy is working. For the first time, I like who I am. I’d wanna hang out with me. Sometimes, I even think I look good, these are new feelings, and I’m hooked.

Now there will always be detractors, resistors, those around you who are salivating at the mouth waiting for you to fail, and offering to help every step of the way. Sometimes this individual may be someone who you thought would have and could’ve been your biggest supporter. But, if you’re changing your thought process, you’ll start to be grateful for them. Iron sharpens iron, they’re only making you stronger. They can only stop your progress if you let them.

If you’re thinking “Oh, but I could never do that because ________” fill in the blank, I would say you’re likely wrong. If I can do it, anyone can. For someone with no formal K-12 education, only basic community college courses for continuing education, no ambition, no support system (let’s just be real here), who endured every kind of abuse including an overtly abusive marriage, experimenting with hard drugs, having 3 biological kids and two step kids, losing everything multiple times in a 10 year period (and I do mean down to the silverware and clothing), if I can do it so can you. You have to want it bad enough though; nobody can motivate you but you.

So yeah, I guess this is me now. I am the career woman working a full time job with a a million kids getting up at 5am on a Saturday to workout and work on my blog. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Hi, my name is Tina. Nice to meet you.

 

 

Hope, Disappointment and Neon Signs | Part 2

Lately it’s been like the universe has been speaking to me. If you’re rolling your eyes, I understand. Until you have experienced it, it’s unfair to expect you to understand. It’s not a realistic expectation.

If that’s the case, I hope someday you have the opportunity to experience it; I don’t know that everyone does.

Last night I was accused, by someone I love very deeply who says they feel the same way about me, of being a bad mother and wife for having a career for the first time in my life. It hit me like a gut punch to hear the words out loud even though I already knew this person felt that way.

Now, I have always had a career from an outsiders perspective, I’ve almost always been a working mother and have spent a significant time in management roles. But, it was always a job, the mentality was to do the best job I could during the work day, but no more than necessary and never outside of the neat little box of business hours. My mind was on to other things as soon as I sipped my sunglasses on and stared striding for the office door. Often I was on the phone with a friend before hitting the exit bar, in many situations specifically to avoid any last minute chats on the way out. After all, I only had a job to help my male spouse support the family, I should really be at home with my children. And should any promotion or travel opportunity be available I had trained myself to an exact science on how to avoid, deflect, and use my motherhood in a way to get out of anything not absolutely essential but keep the job I already had and still be eligible for the maximum salary increase when the time came. I was very good.

With this attitude I was still consistently identified as a top performer in most every role I was in. The question started to form, what might I be able to do if I actually tried, if I invested myself 100% in…..life. Every aspect, work, family, health. But there’s only 1 100%, that’s what I was told, that’s what society tells us as women. As mothers. But, what if, like having multiple children, you expand as a person, what if there’s a different 100% available for each area of your life?

What if? Al of the most terrifying and exciting questions start with those two words.

Call it a mid life crisis, call it an epiphany, an awakening, however you categorize it or label it, for better or worse, I started to ask myself for the first time in my life ” what could I do if I really tried?” “Who would I be, what qualities would I have, how might I react to a certain situation or circumstance, how do I actually prefer my eggs (Runaway Bride fans heyo!) if I really, honestly and authentically, allowed myself to find out who I am, give myself permission to say yes whenever I can regardless of others expectations or society’s constraints.

I don’t recommend asking yourself these questions lightly. Be prepared to be terrified. To begin he discovery process of accepting that you may not the you that you may not know who you really are is a singular feeling. I’m leaning towards saying it’s not a good feeling, but I think that opinion can differ greatly based on personal perspective. It can also be exciting if you let it.

Its possible that I’m weird; fucked up in the head; have multiple mental disorders; I’m definitely not ruling out any possibilities yet. I’m also not assuming some grandiose stance that I have found the meaning to life. Everyone’s journey is different; this is mine right now.

I tried to ignore the signs; even neon signs don’t always feel comfortable and don’t always feel 100% right. But I digress.

When I was about 6 years old, I had someone give a prediction about me. Or, as it is better known in religious circles, a prophesy.

I was raised in a number of different Christian church denominations including Southern Baptist and to explain my upbringing to someone not well versed in religions and specifically American Christianity sub-categories, the Southern Baptist part is the best overall way to describe the way I was raised. Similar to Catholics, I am no stranger to guilt and self loathing; it’s actually quite encouraged.

It is something I don’t often think about and not exactly something you tell people about unless your goal is to be taken for a weirdo. It was pretty general, I don’t remember the exact words, I think it was an elderly woman, that’s all I remember.

But an experience shared on FB by a female executive I know and admire brought it back to me and this time I was viewing the memory reel from a new perspective based on where I am in life and it impacted me all over again and in a new way.

I refused to comment or reach out for a few minutes; I didn’t know what an appropriate comment would be. Then I had it, a meme, a perfect one, one that would specifically encourage her in what is a very challenging professional time for her. I felt this burning need to share it that just would not go away.

So I made a nice little appropriate comment on her post and tried to be done with it. At about midnight, I finally was so irritated that I couldn’t stop thinking about it that I sent what had the potential to be a very odd post, from me and at such a late hour, but I did it anyway and it initiated a great conversation and wasn’t taken negatively in any way.

I still wanted to ignore it. It was way more comfortable that way. It’s a single incident, you’re making way to much of it. That’s one of the nicer self-talk moments.

But it’s no longer a single incident. It’s literally happening in a million ways in a million micro situations every day. The signs, subtle or neon and undeniable, quiet or eardrum shatteringly loud, they just keep coming.

So, maybe I had to consider the possibility that I just might be supposed to listen. I might need to listen.

The self analysis starts. What can go wrong? What are the potential outcomes if I follow this path? What are the best outcomes? What is the worst outcome(s)? Then you have to decide if the risk is worth the possible reward. The answer is always a variable and only time will tell.

Theres a lot that can go wrong for me. I could lose everything, literally and figuratively. Putting out effort, setting aggressive goals and going for it in my case is not an easy decision, a reason I’ve avoided committing to any one career until my 30’s despite having 15+ years experience in the working world already. That coupled with social expectations for motherhood were crippling me, I could neither succeed or settle, seemingly destined to always feel that annoying doubt that maybe I was meant to do more.

Society is changing its view of women in the workplace. The level of importance I allow society’s view of my motherhood has dwindled to an all time low and the combination is intoxicatingly filled with possibility. For success as well as failure.

There are many amazing women in business blazing the path and knocking down stereotypes and if the possibilities and opportunities are there I find it hard to argue a logical non-emotionally driven reason to not go for it.

Every great person in history has had critics. Usually very loud ones. Am I destined for greatness, eh, I’m not counting on it.

But I’m allowing myself to be prepared just in case. If people don’t like me because of who I’ve become, I’ll have to learn to be ok with that and trust the right ones will adapt, learn to love who I’m becoming as much or more than they loved who I was before and the right ones will be propelling me forward, running beside me or at the very least get out of my way and wait at the finish line to see the outcome. I haven’t ever felt this type of determination and focus, but of all the terrifying questions the self auditing process is presenting me with, I know unequivocally that the two things I’m not going to allow to be factors in my decision making are societal ideals of any kind and people who tell me I can’t, shouldn’t or aren’t allowed to do something.

Not in a nasty, mean way. Not in a combative or argumentative way. None of this is coming from an egotistical place or an overly selfish one. I don’t hate everything I once loved and I’m content right where I am, appreciating where you are is a big part of understanding where you might want to go. And if you want to challenge that ego is always a contributing factor, look up Cy Wakeman and the Reality Based Leadership model. It is possible to identify it and pull it out of the equation, although it is not a comfortable process. It can be an enlightening one.

I don’t know that I have ever been as scared as I am right now. But if I squint really hard and distill the feeling over and over again, another feeling is also present and I refuse to let anyone take that tiny corner of hope from me.

Excitement.