Change. It is constant. It can be fun and exciting or scary and dark, but it’s always constant.
The last year has seen a lot of change for me. I left a company I had been with for many years. My father’s health began declining and he has been in the hospital for most of the year now. Sigh. Our oldest daughter disowned us. Kaitlyn, she’s almost 21 now, and since moving away a couple of years ago, has been turned against us after lovingly raising her for her whole life. Sigh. I am about to give birth to my fourth biological child (a second son) following a miscarriage late last year. Sigh. Hannah and Genesee are about to graduate high school, so much has changed since I started this back in 2012 it’s hard to wrap my head around it all TBH.
I have been deeply depressed since the miscarriage last year and losing my job. I have a good job now, in cannabis HR, which has always been a dream of mine. But my personality, my though process, me- I don’t feel the same as before COVID. It really changed everything. I feel like a shadow of my former self. I haven’t seen friends in a year now. I don’t really leave the house or even my room, except to go to work. Of course some of that is due to the pregnancy, it’s much harder at 38 than at 28. But, still I just don’t feel good and haven’t for a long time now. Mentally and physically, I am exhausted and depressed in such a deep way, I don’t know how to recover from it or move past it. I am so overwhelmingly sad, all of the time, it is difficult to function and I have considered suicide many, many times. I hope the birth of my son will bring some joy back to my life, but part of me is terrified that post partum depression msy be even worse than how I feel now which I certainly could not bear.
There’s so much media hype about “getting help” when you’re depressed. But in reality, there is nobody to help and I am so alone.
The Uncategorized Life 