It is amazing how much can change in a few months. In the blink of an eye really. When you decide to stop settling and start living, the possibilities and capacity for change become endless.
Searching for words to describe the events from April 30 to now, I find it challenging, yet it brings a smile to my face. I truly thought my life was over, that happiness was out of reach, that there was nothing left for me but to slog through life and then eventually… die. And when I thought I had reached my lowest point, things got worse.
But then I met someone who changed everything. As my heart was breaking I met this human who made my heart sing, who made me smile, who came into my life and upended everything, who supported me and listened to me and actively cared about me in such a radically honest and wholehearted way that I started wanting to live again and started daring to believe there was a life worth living ahead of me.
Looking back, things happened very quickly, but in the thick of it, it felt like slow motion. I didn’t allow myself to hope at first, I wouldn’t even admit to myself I was falling in love. I certainly didn’t believe someone was falling in love with me. We met and talked for a couple of hours the first time. It was completely unintentional, I was so frustrated with my situation at home that I started going to a nearby bar and playing Blackjack to get free drinks for a couple hours. This night though, I went to a different bar, one I hadn’t been to before. I never talked to the other patrons past some rudimentary small talk. But this night, there was a guy sitting to my left, who was outgoing, talking to everyone, and I allowed him to strike up a conversation with me. We talked on and off while playing our respective machines and I gave him a hard time about his unlit cigar. Looking back I suppose we were flirting, but it was nothing more than chatting. It was just two lonely people talking in a bar who would likely never see each other again. Then he asked for my number. It still makes me laugh, because I said no, but that he could follow me on Instagram. Which of course he didn’t have because he is older. But the part that makes me laugh is that I was so flustered, I gave him my phone number because I texted him a screenshot of my IG profile so he could start an account and find me later. I quickly told him don’t ever use my number, but he texted me a few minutes after leaving the bar. I quickly blocked him, but I couldn’t stop thinking about him and wondering if he had felt the same instant connection that i had. He did find me on IG, and we started talking. But that wasn’t enough, I have always been an all in type of person and this was no different. I had to know, could this be more than a broken heart searching for attention and friendship? Could a chance meeting at a dive bar turn into…something real? So I had to see him again, and few days after the first time, I did. I don’t think I have ever been more nervous in my life. Here I was a married woman, albeit unhappily, with a spouse who no longer wanted me, purposefully meeting another man. I was sure I was a terrible person, but I just couldn’t stop myself. So shaking, with my heart beating so loudly I was sure everyone within fifty feet of me could hear it, I walked into the same bar again to meet him, but this time on purpose. I thought to myself, let’s get it over with, talking to someone at a bar and then online for a couple days is one thing, surely the feelings are imaginary, merely the result of desperate loneliness and deep depression.
We sat and talked. And he wasn’t on his phone, he looked me in the eyes, he listened when I spoke and it felt like we were the only two people in the bar. I could’ve stayed all night, but I think I allowed myself an hour and a half. When I left, he walked me to my car. But when he didn’t kiss me, I was sure I had made up the chemistry in my mind. I told myself to stop trying to make it into something it wasn’t. This was just two people becoming friends. But then we kept talking, every day, all day. Every morning he would message me good morning and we would have a never ending conversation until it was time to leave work. I couldn’t tell you what we talked about, but I can tell you there’s nothing we didn’t talk about. For two weeks this continued and then on my birthday, which was a Saturday, we met at a nearby park. The first time we held hands, the first time we kissed, I couldn’t even tell you who reached for whom. It was like two magnets being drawn together. And from then on, things intensified. We started meeting every morning and every afternoon. We would both get up early and meet wherever we could, at a gas station, on the side of the road, at a park, for 5 minutes, 30 minutes, absolutely anything to be near each other. And we kept talking, all day every day online.
There were so many obstacles and so much uncertainty. It was dizzying and overwhelming, but the alternative of not talking, not seeing each other, simply wasn’t an option. For me, I had been awakened in a way I had not thought possible. I was feeling something so entirely consuming, I was willing to go to any length to keep feeling what I was feeling. If it led to heartbreak, it couldn’t be worse than giving up this connection. So the feelings grew and we kept talking and seeing each other, even when the person I began referring to as my ex started stalking and threatening us, even when it seemed like all the odds were against us.
We had fallen in love, totally and completely. We couldn’t get enough of each other. But moving into June, we had done no more than make out in a car. Rare for two adults, but looking back it made our beginning so much sweeter and more innocent. I will always cherish the way we fell in love.
You may be wondering, did I cheat on my husband. No, I did not. I fell out of love long ago, or more accurately in comparison to how I feel now, was never in love. Regardless, he began an affair shortly after our last son was born November of last year. So why did he start threatening us and stalking us since he had already moved on. Well, he realized when I stopped caring that he suddenly did. Except it was too late, which was a hard pill for him to swallow.
Even though everything has happened in the last five months, it’s hard to remember the first time we said I love you. But if memory serves me, it was May 10. Three days before we ever kissed and a month before we ever slept together. We started talking about marriage in May. By the end of the summer he had gotten down on one knee and I have had two rings. (More on that later) Five months of knowing him, sounds so short. Yet we have lived a lifetime since April. In July I met his family for the first time. In August we moved in together and I officially filed for Divorce. In September we spent a weekend in California with his family and last week my divorce was finalized. We are navigating life together and it is still so sweet. We still can’t get enough of each other. Yesterday we both called into work and spent the day together. With the kids in school and daycare it was just the two of us and it was absolutely delicious. We are getting married soon and I look forward to coming home from work every day, and getting up every morning. I want to live, as long as he’s by my side. And I have hope for the future for the first time I can remember.
The Uncategorized Life 