So much has happened in the last 4 months it’s difficult to remember the big things, let alone all the small ones.
November- lost most expensive piece of jewelry I’ve ever owned, miscarriage, end stage cancer diagnosis for dad
December- lost job, deep depression, I want to die, I stop eating and drinking for days at a time and don’t leave my room. I share my suicidal thoughts with my husband who tells me to get over it.
January- deep depression, no time to relax or indulge in self-care, back to work. I still want to die. All I do is go to work and sleep. I don’t want to hang out with anyone, or go out.
February- deep depression, no time to relax or indulge in self-care, working full time and trying desperately to find a new groove. I’ve lost all desire to hang out with anyone, or even leave the house. I drink daily.
March- still depressed, still trying to find that new groove, then dad Thyroidectomy surgery at end of month, supposed to be home in 48 hours and back to regular life a few days after that
Week of March 21- dad’s surgery was scheduled for 6 hours, turned into nearly 20, found more cancer than imaging had shown, reconstructed windpipe and paralyzed left vocal chord. I checked him in for surgery at 6am 03/21/22. The surgeon called to let me know they had finished at 2:30am the following day. He remains in intensive care as of 03/25/25. He is on a ventilator and he cannot speak at all yet. His voice will never be the same, and he may not be able to speak at all for months. He may need nursing care the rest of his life. There’s no way to know what “recovery” will look like now.
I did get a raise at my new job and my boss is super cool, so that’s nice.
Trying to get both teenagers to work while losing a driver from the household is taking a toll. Skye is planning to take the bus for the first time today. Hannah refuses, so not sure what to do there.
Eli still not in school, Al still promising to homeschool him. He’s smart, but he’s behind due to COVID and now being out of school for most of 4th grade. I truly believe he’s on the spectrum, but no doctor believes he is and his father refuses to believe there’s any behavioral problems at all. Even after he’s hurt his siblings, hurt me and broken doors, punched holes in walls and routinely cannot control his emotions in a way representative of his age. Al refuses to get him or us together, any therapy, medication, counseling, any help. Sigh.
Kaitlyn not doing well, not taking meds or tending to her mental health. Doesn’t hold a job, cycles through boys and hangs with the wrong crowd in Iowa. Trying to convince her to move out here, back to Vegas. Worried about the crowd she’s hanging with, her vehicle is known in Cedar Rapids and she often receives threats from gang affiliated people.
Skye is not doing great, but not doing as bad as I initially feared when papa’s surgery went sideways. It’s hard for her to visit him. It’s hard for us to see him like that. But, Al won’t visit him, so Genesee and I are all he has until he gets out. I don’t think they allow super young kids to visit, besides nobody wants to see Eli if they’re not well. And I don’t know how Savannah would react to seeing her papa hooked up to all the chords and unable to speak. Skye didn’t go to school this week, but somehow she keeps her grades up. Small victories. Mental healthcare for her is exhausting. The doctor appointments, the therapy, the mood swings and manipulation/blame, new medications, trips to the psych ward. Supporting someone with a mental illness seems as though it can cause the caregiver mental health problems! Sigh.
Hannah and Savannah float through life, we’re pretty sure they’re secretly Kardashians. Neither are fond of work and both are very fond of being in front of a camera. Both are beautiful and school seems effortless. Both are well mannered, well spoken young ladies with killer fashion sense and beautifully kind personalities. Unless you anger them. Then either can become an absolute monster in 2.5 seconds. They have my temper and so does Eli. Not a blessing unfortunately.
I don’t know how to get through everything. I am not even awake most days, I just go through the motions of life. I feel numb and I want to be even more so. Enter substance abuse. I know I’m in a dangerous place, but there’s so many people in my sphere that require me I have no time to help myself. I need therapy. I need mental health support. It just isn’t there for me. That’s for other people. And I get it for them. But it’s not for me. I have no support. I am the support.
The Uncategorized Life 