Hope, Disappointment and Neon Signs | Part 2

Lately it’s been like the universe has been speaking to me. If you’re rolling your eyes, I understand. Until you have experienced it, it’s unfair to expect you to understand. It’s not a realistic expectation.

If that’s the case, I hope someday you have the opportunity to experience it; I don’t know that everyone does.

Last night I was accused, by someone I love very deeply who says they feel the same way about me, of being a bad mother and wife for having a career for the first time in my life. It hit me like a gut punch to hear the words out loud even though I already knew this person felt that way.

Now, I have always had a career from an outsiders perspective, I’ve almost always been a working mother and have spent a significant time in management roles. But, it was always a job, the mentality was to do the best job I could during the work day, but no more than necessary and never outside of the neat little box of business hours. My mind was on to other things as soon as I sipped my sunglasses on and stared striding for the office door. Often I was on the phone with a friend before hitting the exit bar, in many situations specifically to avoid any last minute chats on the way out. After all, I only had a job to help my male spouse support the family, I should really be at home with my children. And should any promotion or travel opportunity be available I had trained myself to an exact science on how to avoid, deflect, and use my motherhood in a way to get out of anything not absolutely essential but keep the job I already had and still be eligible for the maximum salary increase when the time came. I was very good.

With this attitude I was still consistently identified as a top performer in most every role I was in. The question started to form, what might I be able to do if I actually tried, if I invested myself 100% in…..life. Every aspect, work, family, health. But there’s only 1 100%, that’s what I was told, that’s what society tells us as women. As mothers. But, what if, like having multiple children, you expand as a person, what if there’s a different 100% available for each area of your life?

What if? Al of the most terrifying and exciting questions start with those two words.

Call it a mid life crisis, call it an epiphany, an awakening, however you categorize it or label it, for better or worse, I started to ask myself for the first time in my life ” what could I do if I really tried?” “Who would I be, what qualities would I have, how might I react to a certain situation or circumstance, how do I actually prefer my eggs (Runaway Bride fans heyo!) if I really, honestly and authentically, allowed myself to find out who I am, give myself permission to say yes whenever I can regardless of others expectations or society’s constraints.

I don’t recommend asking yourself these questions lightly. Be prepared to be terrified. To begin he discovery process of accepting that you may not the you that you may not know who you really are is a singular feeling. I’m leaning towards saying it’s not a good feeling, but I think that opinion can differ greatly based on personal perspective. It can also be exciting if you let it.

Its possible that I’m weird; fucked up in the head; have multiple mental disorders; I’m definitely not ruling out any possibilities yet. I’m also not assuming some grandiose stance that I have found the meaning to life. Everyone’s journey is different; this is mine right now.

I tried to ignore the signs; even neon signs don’t always feel comfortable and don’t always feel 100% right. But I digress.

When I was about 6 years old, I had someone give a prediction about me. Or, as it is better known in religious circles, a prophesy.

I was raised in a number of different Christian church denominations including Southern Baptist and to explain my upbringing to someone not well versed in religions and specifically American Christianity sub-categories, the Southern Baptist part is the best overall way to describe the way I was raised. Similar to Catholics, I am no stranger to guilt and self loathing; it’s actually quite encouraged.

It is something I don’t often think about and not exactly something you tell people about unless your goal is to be taken for a weirdo. It was pretty general, I don’t remember the exact words, I think it was an elderly woman, that’s all I remember.

But an experience shared on FB by a female executive I know and admire brought it back to me and this time I was viewing the memory reel from a new perspective based on where I am in life and it impacted me all over again and in a new way.

I refused to comment or reach out for a few minutes; I didn’t know what an appropriate comment would be. Then I had it, a meme, a perfect one, one that would specifically encourage her in what is a very challenging professional time for her. I felt this burning need to share it that just would not go away.

So I made a nice little appropriate comment on her post and tried to be done with it. At about midnight, I finally was so irritated that I couldn’t stop thinking about it that I sent what had the potential to be a very odd post, from me and at such a late hour, but I did it anyway and it initiated a great conversation and wasn’t taken negatively in any way.

I still wanted to ignore it. It was way more comfortable that way. It’s a single incident, you’re making way to much of it. That’s one of the nicer self-talk moments.

But it’s no longer a single incident. It’s literally happening in a million ways in a million micro situations every day. The signs, subtle or neon and undeniable, quiet or eardrum shatteringly loud, they just keep coming.

So, maybe I had to consider the possibility that I just might be supposed to listen. I might need to listen.

The self analysis starts. What can go wrong? What are the potential outcomes if I follow this path? What are the best outcomes? What is the worst outcome(s)? Then you have to decide if the risk is worth the possible reward. The answer is always a variable and only time will tell.

Theres a lot that can go wrong for me. I could lose everything, literally and figuratively. Putting out effort, setting aggressive goals and going for it in my case is not an easy decision, a reason I’ve avoided committing to any one career until my 30’s despite having 15+ years experience in the working world already. That coupled with social expectations for motherhood were crippling me, I could neither succeed or settle, seemingly destined to always feel that annoying doubt that maybe I was meant to do more.

Society is changing its view of women in the workplace. The level of importance I allow society’s view of my motherhood has dwindled to an all time low and the combination is intoxicatingly filled with possibility. For success as well as failure.

There are many amazing women in business blazing the path and knocking down stereotypes and if the possibilities and opportunities are there I find it hard to argue a logical non-emotionally driven reason to not go for it.

Every great person in history has had critics. Usually very loud ones. Am I destined for greatness, eh, I’m not counting on it.

But I’m allowing myself to be prepared just in case. If people don’t like me because of who I’ve become, I’ll have to learn to be ok with that and trust the right ones will adapt, learn to love who I’m becoming as much or more than they loved who I was before and the right ones will be propelling me forward, running beside me or at the very least get out of my way and wait at the finish line to see the outcome. I haven’t ever felt this type of determination and focus, but of all the terrifying questions the self auditing process is presenting me with, I know unequivocally that the two things I’m not going to allow to be factors in my decision making are societal ideals of any kind and people who tell me I can’t, shouldn’t or aren’t allowed to do something.

Not in a nasty, mean way. Not in a combative or argumentative way. None of this is coming from an egotistical place or an overly selfish one. I don’t hate everything I once loved and I’m content right where I am, appreciating where you are is a big part of understanding where you might want to go. And if you want to challenge that ego is always a contributing factor, look up Cy Wakeman and the Reality Based Leadership model. It is possible to identify it and pull it out of the equation, although it is not a comfortable process. It can be an enlightening one.

I don’t know that I have ever been as scared as I am right now. But if I squint really hard and distill the feeling over and over again, another feeling is also present and I refuse to let anyone take that tiny corner of hope from me.

Excitement.

 

 

 

Don’t Try This At Home

I’ve always known I am my own worst critic. But recently it’s become clear that I am likely too hard on myself in many areas.

I never attended a formal learning institution until community college where I attended with a personal enrichment attitude and only took classes I enjoyed, never completing a degree.

By 22 I was managing a retail store.

By 25 I was managing administrative and compliance operation for an internationally positioned, publicly traded company.

At 33 I am now the head of an HR department for a globally positioned engineering and manufacturing company.

I always assume I am the least educated person in the room. I always assume I know less about any topic being discussed than anyone else in the conversation. I always feel like I don’t belong, like an imposter who doesn’t deserve to be where I am. I always feel obligated to explain how I got to be where I am. Being in the right place at the right time and being afforded unique opportunity can certainly be credited for some of my success it’s true, I don’t recommend experimenting with drugs, floating through community college and dropping out. I’m not the average product that scenario produces.

At some point I began to give myself permission to be proud of myself and admit that I am pretty good at what I do.

Once I allowed myself to objectively look at my own accomplishments without looking through a lens of self doubt and criticism I began to see how little some know about things their position implies or outright claims they should be the SME of! It’s interesting to come to the realization that many people who the majorit may consider a SME often aren’t. It is an interesting route to building confidence; extreme on the job learning. Often I’ve found myself in situations someone less than the executive level may never experience. There is no roadmap or training for those situations. That’s a core reason executives are highly compensated, for their decision making skills.

Early on I would often assume I would be wrong when I spoke up in meetings, only to find out that not only was I right but many times it was information others weren’t aware of or a fresh perspective that became a valuable part of collaborative problem solving.

I suppose I may always struggle with the right balance of pride, self doubt, and over confidence. It’s a precarious place, but one Im becoming more comfortable existing in over time. Whether they admit it or talk about it, I know now that many individuals have the same feelings.

Mall these great leaders we look up to, across all industries, they’re all just people with the same challenges who took a different road to where they are.