A New Beginning

It is amazing how much can change in a few months. In the blink of an eye really. When you decide to stop settling and start living, the possibilities and capacity for change become endless.

Searching for words to describe the events from April 30 to now, I find it challenging, yet it brings a smile to my face. I truly thought my life was over, that happiness was out of reach, that there was nothing left for me but to slog through life and then eventually… die. And when I thought I had reached my lowest point, things got worse.

But then I met someone who changed everything. As my heart was breaking I met this human who made my heart sing, who made me smile, who came into my life and upended everything, who supported me and listened to me and actively cared about me in such a radically honest and wholehearted way that I started wanting to live again and started daring to believe there was a life worth living ahead of me.

Looking back, things happened very quickly, but in the thick of it, it felt like slow motion. I didn’t allow myself to hope at first, I wouldn’t even admit to myself I was falling in love. I certainly didn’t believe someone was falling in love with me. We met and talked for a couple of hours the first time. It was completely unintentional, I was so frustrated with my situation at home that I started going to a nearby bar and playing Blackjack to get free drinks for a couple hours. This night though, I went to a different bar, one I hadn’t been to before. I never talked to the other patrons past some rudimentary small talk. But this night, there was a guy sitting to my left, who was outgoing, talking to everyone, and I allowed him to strike up a conversation with me. We talked on and off while playing our respective machines and I gave him a hard time about his unlit cigar. Looking back I suppose we were flirting, but it was nothing more than chatting. It was just two lonely people talking in a bar who would likely never see each other again. Then he asked for my number. It still makes me laugh, because I said no, but that he could follow me on Instagram. Which of course he didn’t have because he is older. But the part that makes me laugh is that I was so flustered, I gave him my phone number because I texted him a screenshot of my IG profile so he could start an account and find me later. I quickly told him don’t ever use my number, but he texted me a few minutes after leaving the bar. I quickly blocked him, but I couldn’t stop thinking about him and wondering if he had felt the same instant connection that i had. He did find me on IG, and we started talking. But that wasn’t enough, I have always been an all in type of person and this was no different. I had to know, could this be more than a broken heart searching for attention and friendship? Could a chance meeting at a dive bar turn into…something real? So I had to see him again, and few days after the first time, I did. I don’t think I have ever been more nervous in my life. Here I was a married woman, albeit unhappily, with a spouse who no longer wanted me, purposefully meeting another man. I was sure I was a terrible person, but I just couldn’t stop myself. So shaking, with my heart beating so loudly I was sure everyone within fifty feet of me could hear it, I walked into the same bar again to meet him, but this time on purpose. I thought to myself, let’s get it over with, talking to someone at a bar and then online for a couple days is one thing, surely the feelings are imaginary, merely the result of desperate loneliness and deep depression.

We sat and talked. And he wasn’t on his phone, he looked me in the eyes, he listened when I spoke and it felt like we were the only two people in the bar. I could’ve stayed all night, but I think I allowed myself an hour and a half. When I left, he walked me to my car. But when he didn’t kiss me, I was sure I had made up the chemistry in my mind. I told myself to stop trying to make it into something it wasn’t. This was just two people becoming friends. But then we kept talking, every day, all day. Every morning he would message me good morning and we would have a never ending conversation until it was time to leave work. I couldn’t tell you what we talked about, but I can tell you there’s nothing we didn’t talk about. For two weeks this continued and then on my birthday, which was a Saturday, we met at a nearby park. The first time we held hands, the first time we kissed, I couldn’t even tell you who reached for whom. It was like two magnets being drawn together. And from then on, things intensified. We started meeting every morning and every afternoon. We would both get up early and meet wherever we could, at a gas station, on the side of the road, at a park, for 5 minutes, 30 minutes, absolutely anything to be near each other. And we kept talking, all day every day online.

There were so many obstacles and so much uncertainty. It was dizzying and overwhelming, but the alternative of not talking, not seeing each other, simply wasn’t an option. For me, I had been awakened in a way I had not thought possible. I was feeling something so entirely consuming, I was willing to go to any length to keep feeling what I was feeling. If it led to heartbreak, it couldn’t be worse than giving up this connection. So the feelings grew and we kept talking and seeing each other, even when the person I began referring to as my ex started stalking and threatening us, even when it seemed like all the odds were against us.

We had fallen in love, totally and completely. We couldn’t get enough of each other. But moving into June, we had done no more than make out in a car. Rare for two adults, but looking back it made our beginning so much sweeter and more innocent. I will always cherish the way we fell in love.

You may be wondering, did I cheat on my husband. No, I did not. I fell out of love long ago, or more accurately in comparison to how I feel now, was never in love. Regardless, he began an affair shortly after our last son was born November of last year. So why did he start threatening us and stalking us since he had already moved on. Well, he realized when I stopped caring that he suddenly did. Except it was too late, which was a hard pill for him to swallow.

Even though everything has happened in the last five months, it’s hard to remember the first time we said I love you. But if memory serves me, it was May 10. Three days before we ever kissed and a month before we ever slept together. We started talking about marriage in May. By the end of the summer he had gotten down on one knee and I have had two rings. (More on that later) Five months of knowing him, sounds so short. Yet we have lived a lifetime since April. In July I met his family for the first time. In August we moved in together and I officially filed for Divorce. In September we spent a weekend in California with his family and last week my divorce was finalized. We are navigating life together and it is still so sweet. We still can’t get enough of each other. Yesterday we both called into work and spent the day together. With the kids in school and daycare it was just the two of us and it was absolutely delicious. We are getting married soon and I look forward to coming home from work every day, and getting up every morning. I want to live, as long as he’s by my side. And I have hope for the future for the first time I can remember.

Seasons

Winter has been long and cold this year. I swear it wasn’t this cold in past years here in Vegas, but everyone assures me it’s pretty average. I guess I am a true warm climate girl now. 60 degrees and I am shivering! The holidays were busy as usual, and now we’re starting to see the first hints of Spring. The cycle of life continues.

Al’s friend moved from Washington and has been staying with us since Thanksgiving so our home life looks a bit different right now with an added adult in the mix. Thankfully we have a decent sized space so it’s working ok. But, Eli is ready for his big boy bed and his own room so the friend moving out is certainly being anticipated! Savannah loves to sing and I recently was able to record her- she is so cute!! The time always shows the biggest changes with the youngest two- Eli is already starting kindergarten this coming Fall- what?!!

Genesee and Hannah joined a Lacrosse team so there’s that. And of course it’s not just any Lacrosse team,  it’s the most competitive team in the junior league in Clark County. 3 practices a week plus games-and for instance this week there’s scrimmages also so one of the “practices” that are usually 90  minutes is 5 hours. It’s intense. But, so far they enjoy it so we continue to make the sacrifice to get them there. Even if I feel like a freakin’ taxi service lol

Kaity is making her way through her first year of high school. She just went to her first  high school dance this past Saturday. The obligatory selfies were taken and she had a good time. Nearly 15, where has the time gone?! Wasn’t she just turning 6?!!

Al and I were supposed to be headed to sunny Florida in two days for a business conference, but due to a myriad of circumstances, that trip is no longer happening. Since I had already orchestrated a complex series of arrangements in order to make that travel possible, I decided that regardless of that trip getting cancelled, I would be going somewhere come hell or high water. So, I am taking a surprise,  last minute trip back to Bellingham this weekend! Just me, no kids, no Al, it’s going to be glorious! Except the fact that Whatcom County is basically the Arctic this week and is having a ridiculous snow storm to rival 1998-99…. This is going to be interesting.

Looking forward to warmer weather soon!

Growing

Vegas summer is definitely here! 109 degrees and climbing on some days with ozone warnings in effect and all.

We recently returned from a much needed family vacation to visit the Colorado Rosenbergs and with all the photo taking it is more and more apparent that our little brood is growing up. The toddlers are (FINALLY!!!) potty trained and Kaity is officially a high school student and Genesee and Hannah are officially middle schoolers. This is so crazy, even as I type it I have to let it sink in for a minute. Weren’t we just here??

The last time we were a family of 5

 

And now look at them! Eli turns 4 in a matter of days and Genesee turns 11, Savannah will be THREE in September and on Hannah’s next birthday she will turn 12. And, it’s time to start teaching Ms. Kaity how to DRIVE. OH. EM. GEE. This is happening, they’re all growing up. Sniffle, sniffle.

And, of course this means the adults are growing up too haha. I cannot get over the fact that my sister in law and myself are 32 this year. Al is now only a couple years away from his 40’s.

But, life is good. It’s bitter sweet to no longer be purchasing pull ups, to participate in the end of “babydom” in a tangible, finite way. Of course we still have a long way to go, but I can see college in the distance now and the end of “little” kids not far behind.

Bittersweet indeed.

New House

Thank goodness I followed that sign! Obviously there was a better home for us waiting just around the corner…

From the house that almost was that I *thought* I was in love with, to a better home that is so much more perfect for our family. We recently moved after months of searching. it’s cheaper than the other house, zoned for better schools, is in a better location – pretty much just better in every way. I already feel more at home than I have in 18 months and we’re not even unpacked. As a matter of fact, we never did “pack” at least not in the traditional sense, like with boxes and a moving truck…… But, by now I’m sure you’ve realized we aren’t traditional and nothing we do is “normal”.  The Move is a whole ‘nother story… But, the point is that even with the entire downstairs still a staging area full of piles of stuff that needs to be organized and put away, no couch (shopping this weekend heyo!), the dining room table still in the garage, etc…it still feels more like home than our last house ever did.

And let me tell you, it feels good to finally be home.

House Pictures below!

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Genesee is now an Eagle and Kaity is now a Patriot. They both like their new schools. Genesee is out of the dreaded 12 mo zoning so she can finish out her 5th grade year and attend her elementary school graduation on a normal schedule and have a full summer before starting middle school. Kaity was apprehensive about starting a new school mid-year but was able to get into advanced art at her new school and even got the P.E. schedule she wanted so she won’t have to run in the heat near the end of the year and will instead be safely indoors in health class for h er last quarter of 8th grade. She was given the choice to stay at her old school until the quarter ended but in the end she chose to start her new school right away and jump in headfirst. She is now pretty excited about the change and is looking forward to all the different extracurricular options at her new school.

New school pics below!

Now, to plan the Housewarming party; I can’t wait to show off my 12 person in-ground hot tub in my beautiful backyard!

 

Hope, Disappointment and Neon Signs

Hope is a funny thing. They say it’s the only thing more powerful than fear. What decides what we hope for? Can we control what we hope for? I wish I could. I wish I could not hope sometimes. I wish I could just stop hoping for things, then I couldn’t be disappointed, right?

I hate the feeling of disappointment more than almost anything I think. It’s such a gut wrenching feeling of loss for something, maybe even something intangible, that you never even had.

I’m beginning to believe in signs. Sometimes things just aren’t meant to be. I can  be very stubborn and trample straight through and past obvious signs. That always ends in regret. So, this time I’m going to follow the sign. The big, bright, in my face, neon sign that says not this house, not right now.

So, tonight I’m going to go home to my non-pool home with the stained carpet and lack of furnishings and lack of any organization or feeling of home with no hope to leave next week or next month. I don’t know when we’ll move now; I’m so frustrated I don’t even want to look anymore honestly. I’m tired of hoping and being let down. I’m tire of falling in love with homes that feel more like home the first time I walk in than mine has in over a year, I’m tired of all of it.

The home that almost was. RIP

 

Mindset

Being grateful is a mindset. I have a serious negativity problem and I need to snap out of it. I’m not wealthy but I’m not poor either. My life may not be perfect but it’s pretty damn great. I just need to remember and focus on all the blessings I have. November is the perfect month to do a thirty day gratefulness challenge so this year I’m going to play.

Dear Facebook,

Here comes the gratefulness.

Love, Tina

Questions

So many questions. Maybe it’s part of hitting your 30’s. I have been questioning everything lately. Maybe the fact that I have no answers and zero certainty makes it more alarming than it should be. I mean, it’s normal to question your decisions, right?

I feel like I’ve been transported back to 2012- not knowing what job Al will have next month, or next week. Not knowing where I’ll be living next month or even next week.

Did we make the right decision moving to Nevada? How do I even accurately access that? Are we successful? No- at least not by our own standards. Are we less successful than we were in Bellingham? No- it’s different, but I wouldn’t say we’re less successful necessarily.

Why do I have dreams and ambitions? It seems pretty futile. I am constantly faced with working to have the money I need to have the life I want (and still not really having what I want). Or, scaling back, lowering my expectations and just having…..less. And being ok with that. I’m constantly caught in between. I feel like I am never satisfied. And, nobody understands. NOBODY.

The wealthy say to just keep working towards your goals in that flippant sort of maddening way that already successful people have. Because, for them, that’s how it worked. They set goals, they worked  hard and they obtained their goals. Simple.

The poor, the truly poor, they can’t relate at all. “But, you make X amount of dollars a year- I wouldn’t even know what to do with all that money! You’re so lucky.”

Me, I’m just stuck in the middle. I’ve seen enough of the super wealthy to know exactly what I’m missing out on. I have enough experience with the high end of the middle class to know with what ease other people who work similar jobs and have similar backgrounds succeed in ways I simply do not. I am so close, yet so far.

And I’ve seen the poor. The food stamps, the welfare, the addicts, the alcoholics, the low class who never get out of the vicious cycle that in many cases stems from being poor. From a lack of options.

I feel helpless. I feel like I do my best to be a good person, a great employee, a wonderful parent and a loving wife. While I understand I’m far from strapping water bottles to my feet for lack of money to buy shoes, and none of my children are battling a terminal illness and I never go to bed hungry, I also (selfishly maybe) am discontent and want…MORE. But, not badly enough to climb the corporate ladder and never see my children and work 60 hours a week. So, I feel trapped, like I will forever be wanting MORE, sentenced to always know and intimately understand what I will never have.

I’d rather be ignorant. I wish I couldn’t name your expensive purse from 15 feet away. I wish I didn’t know how much almost every vehicle I pass was worth. I wish I couldn’t tell what brand and how much you paid for your jeans just by seeing the shape of a logo on the back pocket or the type of stitch detail and whiskering. I wish I didn’t know exactly what luxury SUV I would drive if I could afford it (Infiniti QX80 just FYI). I wish I had no idea the difference a private school makes in the options available to a child and the quality of k-12 education they receive. I wish I had no idea that if I could land a job I am qualified for and totally capable of doing for the right company in the right city in the right situation that I could be making double what I am making now. I wish I didn’t know  how much my husband paid for my engagement ring. It shouldn’t matter of course, but it does, deep down. I wish everything were different. I wish I were content- with whatever I have. Why do I have this unshakable feeling that I deserve MORE, that I am meant to have MORE, do MORE, travel MORE.

Then, maybe I would have less questions.

An Evening Out

A couple weekends ago we went out with friends. It has been well over a year since we have had a nice evening out with a group of adults. It was really nice to get out with other couples and enjoy a nice dinner and some drinks. It made it that much more enjoyable that the drinks were free. And, we even had a photographer catch us like real Vegas celebrities!

And, if you’re looking for the best steak in Vegas (a lofty statement I know, but you won’t be disappointed!), look no further than Herbs & Rye on Sahara 1/2 price entrees on their daily happy hour from 5-8pm and midnight to 3am that includes some of their steaks, you can’t beat it. And, for those of you who may  prefer seafood/pasta, their linguine and clams are on the 1/2 price menu too and they’re just as amazing as their steaks. Yes, this happy hour schedule includes weekends AND it’s throughout the whole restaurant, not just the bar! A far less costly meal than steak restaurants on the strip, yet only a couple miles away!

And, if you’re looking for cheap,stiff drinks before or after your luxurious dinner…. Shifty’s is a great little dive bar just two doors down.

Seasons

In a way it feels like summer has been here for months. It’s been 80+ degrees since February or March I think? I’m not sure, all the sun blends together here. It’s now over a hundred every day and surprisingly that feels ok. After a year, we’ve pretty much acclimated I think….as long as there’s air conditioning….and not too much time spent outdoors…if that counts.

The seasons have always represented change for our family. The oldest two girls have always spent more time with their mother but at least we used to have them on the weekends. But with our big move, it is even more pronounced because this summer there are no weekends. They’re gone for a few weeks- and, for the first time, so is Genesee, with her beloved grandparents.

So, this week, we go from being 7 to being 4…for a few weeks. It’s a reset of sorts, we all appreciate each other more upon our reunion in the fall.  Being a blended family is never easy but for the most part we forget about the blended and we are just a family. Times like this we feel it though.

Until the fall my dears, until the fall.

Princess on the Horizon

Phew! What a summer! It flew by. We moved, in with family, out, into our new house, in and out of a storage unit- I never wanna hear the word “move” again. All the girls are back under one roof and there is a new appreciation between them that can only be attributed to a full summer apart. Elijah is running now and baby sister is mere days away from making her debut.  Life is good. And so full. Full update to come later.